All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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