her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
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Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
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Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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