no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
