If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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