I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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