My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
that's an acceptable place to lick
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
