When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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