D3 body, D1 cock
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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