Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
