she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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