I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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