when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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