When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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