legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
