Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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