I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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