It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
last night I used snow as a chaser
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