Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
