I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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