Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
