Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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