my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
