Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
