I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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