peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
