I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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