yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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