You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
