I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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