I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
