Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
