you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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