Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
