i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize