Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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