Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
