sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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