She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
