Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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