Someone shit on the floor
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
