Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
