I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
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i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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