btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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