Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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