I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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