Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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