The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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