I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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