I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
