i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
