If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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