I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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