i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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