matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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