i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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